Escaping the shadow of Abusive Marriage: A journey to freedom

“Sis’ Mantoa, I met my ex-husband at the age of 18 years. He quickly distracted me with a marriage offer. Something I couldn’t reject. By the age of 19 years, I was married. The big fairy-tale white wedding was hosted at my home and his home. Prior to my wedding, my Priests from the Church who conducted my wedding warned me not to marry my ex-husband. However, I refused to listen to them. 

My ex-Husband was working in the mines and used to shower me with money. He also built us a flashy home in the village Limpopo. Just a few months after our wedding, he began to control me. He alienated me from my parents and the church. He forced me to choose between him and the church. I loved him Sis’ Mantoa and I chose him. The physical and emotional abuse surfaced in less than a year of our marriage. He used to abuse alcohol during the weekends. When he arrived home, he would hurl insults and beat me.

I thought becoming pregnant would stop him from beating me, but in vain. He used to beat me to the point that I will use my baby as a shield, still he will continue beating me and the baby for a period of 2 years (2009-2011). Each weekend, I slept in the pit toilet with my baby until he was two years old. He beat me another time after discovering that I had secretly gone to church on a Sunday while he was away.

He further beat me while I was secretly trying to study to complete my matric. He used to say, “I don’t want an educated woman because they are not submissive,” and would hurl insults at me in the process. Sis’ Mantoa, what made me realise that it was time to leave, was when my then two years old son said, ‘Mama, this Christmas, please buy me a gun, not a toy, a real one because I want to kill my father’ 

Have you encountered any challenges in seeking justice? 

I often went to the Apel police station, which is 45 km from the village, to report the spousal abuse. However, the police officers said, ‘go back home and fix your marriage, it is a family matter’. I will go back home and call his family. He will apologise but again and again he will beat me over and over. The domestic violence escalated into a daily routine when he came from work, hence I used to run and sleep in a pit toilet for 2 years! The only time the police officers listened to me, it was when I reported that I am intending to move out and I need them to escort me home so that I can fetch my belongings in 2011. The police never arrested him even though they were with me when I was packing my clothes. Instead the police officer advised me not to take any item except my clothes since we were married in community of property and I was intending to file for the divorce

What resources or support systems were instrumental in helping you during your recovery?

Sis’ Mantoa, here in rural areas, we don’t have Psychologist. My Priests from my Church provided me with counselling and support.  My mother and my sister were very supportive throughout the divorce.  However, I still have a trauma and I think it is also affecting my second marriage. I still need to work on myself.

What were some of the biggest challenges you faced during your recovery process? 

The community judgement and gossip about my divorce pain. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to come back home just almost three-years after the fairy-tale wedding. 

Can you share any specific achievements or milestones that you’re particularly proud of since overcoming GBV? 

After the divorce, I went back to school and completed my Matric. I also studied Human Resources Management at the college. I battled to find a job and I decided to set-up a small business making shoes and selling them to the community.

In your opinion, what must be done within the justice system?

Police officers should strive to listen to us. We need emotional counsellors/Psychologists within the rural village to aid women who are facing domestic violence and other forms of abuse. We also need the government to establish shelters in the village for abused women and children who need to be rescued during instances of domestic violence.

Recommendation

Sis’ Mantoa offered her spiritual emotional support and by the time of publishing, the client confirmed that she is happy.