Unlocking Freedom: Reclaiming Autonomy From The Marriage Of Incarceration!
The suffering of Boniswa Shozi, born and raised in Durban and currently living in Pretoria. She was emotionally tortured, endured spousal rape, imprisoned, verbally and financially abused throughout her marriage.
Briefly share your marriage of emotional torture and prison?
Sis’ Mantoa, my Mom chose a man for me and convinced me that he was a good person. I was young and I did not want to defy my mother’s counsel as the Holy Bible teaches us to obey and honour our Mothers. I agreed to marry my ex-husband at the age of 21-years in 2001. However, just six months into the marriage, my ex-husband started controlling me, alienating me from my friends and family. Sis’ Mantoa, I was not allowed to go to the shopping malls without him. If I did, he would accuse me of infidelity. I had to wait for him to come back from work to drive me to the shops. He also forced me to drop out from school. I tried going back to school to complete my Matric. Each time I study, he would hurl insults and tell me to choose between my books or him. He’d say, ‘Are you married to the books, or me?’ Then he would drag me to the bedroom and force me to make love to him.
I don’t remember the last time I really enjoyed the intercourse throughout our 17-year marriage. I was repeatedly raped by my own husband. I did not have anyone to talk to as I was alienated from everyone. Each time I came from writing exams, he would command me to come into the bedroom. He would smell my underwear and forcefully make love to me to prove I did not commit adultery. The spousal rapes continued until I was granted a divorce decree. During our separation, I opted to sleep in my daughter’s bedroom, but he would come into my daughter’s room, drag me into our main bedroom and force himself on me. He would say, ‘We are not yet divorced, and I have my conjugal rights!’ I used to cry throughout the rough intercourse. Each penetration was sore and all I could pray for was for him to just finish!
I tried to escape the abusive marriage by finding a job. However, he would set a curfew for me to be home at 5pm. If I wasn’t home, I’d find him waiting at the gate. He used to shout at me and then take me to the bedroom to smell my underwear. He would make love without my consent. Considering we had two children that I had to assist with homework, yet I was compelled to satiate his manhood and not prioritise my children. I decided to resign from work and stayed at home.
I then started a small courier, satellite tv installation, and garden services business. I had five employees. I thought working from home would ease his controlling and insecurity behaviour. Yet he did not stop. He would take my business card and a cell phone to work with him. It was hard to conduct a business without my cell phone and my bank card. He emptied R80, 000 in my business card. I was unable to pay my employees. My business collapsed. I supposed he was jealous because I used to make R80,000 per month, which was triple from his salary. I suffered financial, emotional, sexual, and mental abuse for 17-years!
What resources or support systems were instrumental in your journey?
I suffered from headaches. I went to consult a Dr and I was diagnosed with severe depression. I was booked into the hospital for two weeks. The medication was prescribed to ease my depression. After being discharged from the hospital, I made a choice to divorce my ex-husband. I told myself that it’s either I go to a psychiatric hospital or end the marriage.
Was there any family support during your divorce process?
My Mother never approved of the divorce, citing that I should wait until the children were older because the divorce would deprive them of a relationship with their Father. However, my mother, after witnessing the suffering and agony I endured in my marriage, gave permission to divorce. Sadly, just after she gave permission, she passed away in 2018. May her soul rest in Heavenly peace”
My Sister-in-laws cursed me, telling me that they wished I would lose both my legs in a car accident for divorcing their brother. I felt as though they were mocking disabled people, implying that they are less than human beings.
Have you encountered any challenges in seeking justice?
I borrowed money from my Sister to file for a divorce. After paying R10, 000, the Attorney referred my divorce case to another Attorney who charged additional R5,000. However, when the divorce decree was granted, the Attorney I paid R5,000, demanded an extra R60,000 upon learning that my ex-husband Provident Fund was part of the divorce estate. I refused to pay that exorbitant amount, especially since it was not explained to me at the beginning of the divorce process. I threatened to report my Attorney to the Law Society, and he immediately stopped demanding extra payments. Sis’ Mantoa, what I found unfair in the justice system, is that I was made to pay his debts despite being unemployed. This has left me penniless. I resorted to staying in the informal settlement.
Any specific achievements since overcoming gender-based violence?
Though I am unemployed, I am proud that I finally chose myself. I am happy with my two children. I was able to build my own shack in the Pretoria Informal settlement and I am at peace. I am looking for any type of administration job. I used to work as an assistant teacher and a Personal assistant (PA).
In your opinion, are there any specific changes or initiatives you would like to see implemented within the justice system?
The justice system should strive to process the divorce quickly. Divorce is painful and I feel that the system lacks mercy and empathy for women. I wish the justice system would treat unemployed women fairly, so we don’t have to pay our ex-spouse’s debts.
Recommendations
Sis’ Mantoa has added her name into the database for skills empowerment should the funding be available. We also contacted our stakeholders and clients to absorb her should any vacancy available.
