Abusers Never Give Closure: You Must Create Your Own Healing
As the Mother of the Nation, my duty is to comfort, educate, and spread love and kindness. As we approach the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, my heart turns to those who continue to suffer in silence, behind closed doors, where pain is hidden and voices are unheard.
Many survivors of abuse hold on to hope that one day their abuser will admit the pain they caused, apologise, or take responsibility. But the truth is harsh! Abusers rarely, if ever, give closure. Instead, they deny, deflect, and twist the story to protect their image. They often claim to have been the “good person” in the relationship, leaving the survivor questioning their own reality.
You might be coming from a long-term marriage or relationship where you endured emotional, verbal, spiritual, or even physical abuse. Then, not long after separation, the abuser swiftly moves on , often marrying a much younger partner and boasting how “happy” they are. This is not genuine happiness; it is a continuation of control.
Their swift move into another relationship is a deflect from their true personality, not a reflection of your worth. It is a way of rewriting you; replacing your story with a new version of life that allows them to avoid accountability and guilt. By creating a new narrative, they convince themselves and others that they were never the problem. It’s simply another form of manipulation designed to protect their fragile ego.
Abusers tend to move quickly because they cannot exist without someone to manipulate. The new partner often fits their patterns, someone they believe will not challenge their behavior. What appears to be joy and stability is, in reality, a new cycle of the same emotional abuse. They haven’t changed ; they’ve only changed partners.
Behind closed doors, the same manipulation continues. Abusers are skilled at appearing kind and charming in public while being cruel and controlling in private. They rewrite history to make it seem as if you were the problem, and they, the victim.
But here is what every survivor needs to know:
When an abuser blocks you on their phones and social media, ignores you, or refuses to acknowledge the damage they caused, it says more about them than it does about you. It reveals their immaturity, their inability to self-reflect, and their lack of personal growth. Mature people take accountability and responsibility for their actions; abusers avoid accountability at all costs.
Healing begins when you stop waiting for an apology that will never come.
Forgive yourself for yourself for staying, for hoping, for trying to fix what was never yours to fix. Begin again , free, whole, and deserving of peace. Do justice to your healing by erasing them from your thoughts and focusing on rebuilding your life. Their silence and denial no longer define who you are. Define yourself now with strength, clarity, and purpose.
You are not broken, you were wounded by someone who feared your light
You are not replaceable , you are rare, resilient, and rising.
You are not defined by what you survived , you are defined by the courage it took to survive it.
Stop questioning whether you were loved or not. Their love, or lack of it , does not define who you are or determine your worth. Remember, abusers didn’t erase you; they simply blocked you from their own guilt and truth. You are still here, whole and worthy of real love and the kind that doesn’t demand your silence or suffering.
Accepting the Truth and Letting Go
Accept the truth about your past. Let go of guilt and shame that were never yours to carry. Acknowledge that they may have felt some attachment or fleeting affection, but what they consistently showed you was not love. Love does not demean, abuse, erase, or deny accountability.
Release the need to seek their validation. Remind yourself that your life is yours to live. Your worth was never defined by their ability to love you and it never will be. You gave your heart, your time, and your energy honestly. Honour yourself for that.
You are whole and deserving. You are free from needing answers from someone who cannot give them. The question of whether they truly loved you no longer controls your mind or your heart.
Close this chapter with clarity and peace. Be grateful for the lessons, and move forward with strength, self-respect, and love for yourself.
Reclaim your power. Rebuild your peace. Rewrite your story.
The most beautiful revenge against abuser is living a life full of freedom, love, and joy and on your own terms.
Conclusion:
This silent abuse often thrives in secrecy. Remaining silent, you are not protecting yourself, you are protecting the abuser. It is time to break the silence, to choose healing over fear, and to stand in the truth of your worth.
Send us your stories of silent abuse to help end the pandemic at sismantoa@abafaziphambili.org.za or WhatsApp +27 614294353
With love
Mother of the Nation
